Friday, July 07, 2006

...High On Methane

There are certian sensibilities which I believe are accepted world 'round. "Thou Shalt Not Kill," I think, is a good example. No culture that I know of smiles upon senseless/useless killing (thus excluding deaths under warrior codes and religioius sacrifice).

I'd like to add another axiom to this list.

"Strangers* Shalt Not Fart On Strangers."

After a relaxing trio of days in GuiLin, time came to head on with my journey. Pressed for time thanks to the annoying Hong Kong hold-over, I decided to bee-line for ChengDu, bypassing a trip into the GuiZhou country-side to mingle with minorities. But to get to ChengDu I needed to swap trains in GuiYang, maybe 15 hours away. So early that morning I cabbed to meet a 5AM train (it came late) and eventually nuzzled into the bottom bunk of my sleeper berth.

I couldn't sleep too long, however, as around 730AM I found a hefty middle-aged man sitting on my legs. I knew he was on my legs because not only did his girth keeep me from turning around, but it kept the blood from my lower extremities. I don't like losing the feeling in any part of my body, especially not while sleeping, so I did what I could to crane my neck in his directions and politely informed him that he was sitting on me.

He just giggled. He didn't laugh, or question, or answer. He giggled. Like a 50ish, overweight, Chinese schoolgirl.

So I repeated that he was on my legs and it wasn't very comfortable. Could he please move?

He giggled more, pointed at me, then ripped on. Straight up, no holds barred, fart. Right on me.

For a moment I wanted to be back in Hong Kong. And I wish I could say the guy got no more annoying throughout the rest of the day, but that'd be a lie. He continued to sit on me, and even played poker on my ass. Eventually he wised up that I spoke Chinese (he had been bad mouthing me all day) and started asking me loaded questions that I obviously was not going to answer. Questions like "If the US and China went to war during the Cold War, who would win, and who would the USSR ally with, and would Americans still like KFC?"

Man was I glad to get to GuiYang, even if it was a dump.

*I say "strangers" because otherwise I'd be putting myself in self-incriminating position. I am the oldest of four children, I did spent five years (4 in high school) living in dorms, and I do like Terrence and Phillip.


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